Cruel

I never knew pain like this could ever afflict me.

No I'm not talking about the London bombings. I understand what I may have lost is nothing compared to what Londoners experienced over the past few days, but still.....

Just when I thought things were starting to work out nicely for us, just when I thought the gears were clicking nicely into place, a freaking spanner had to be thrown into the machinery.

How can someone just sneak under your nose and take away someone dear to you? To me it's wicked, subversive and simply just hallmarks of a ethic-less person.

Then again, maybe I can't blame that fella. Our foundations weren't there in the first place to begin with I guess..Did we jump in too fast? Were we even compatible to begin with? Could it have worked out if we both tried harder? Or isit that with him u feel tt less effort had to be put in to sustain the relationship and thus he is the better choice?

I can replay the past few days over and over and analyse what went wrong. Maybe I'm blind to my own shortcomings, maybe it's not my fault, maybe it's just that we were confused and unsure of ourselves, maybe I'm not spending enough time with ya, maybe...

But is there a point to keep those flashbacks in my head? Part of me wants to fight and win ya back. The other part is telling me to let go cos it's for the better. I'm losing something I never really owned in the first place. And it would be better if I just gave it wings and let it go to where it truly belongs.

You're a wonderful lady, and I'd never want u to be stuck in a quandary. If being with me induces more questions and more turmoil, then I'd back off graciously. But am I really the source of all your turmoil? I really wonder wat goes on in your psyche...Guess that's something I will never know..

For now, a part of me still hopes that things will work out between us. I really think we should sit down and talk it over. No point letting this steep in silence and pretending all is fine...

Next week should be an interesting one. Let's hope the week's events hurt less than the past 7 days.

Missing ya..

A rare post!!!

Manz...it's been like 20 years since I last posted.

Wat a semester 2 it has been. In 3 months I felt more mental and emotional anguish than the rest of my 22 years combined. Sheesh.

Had to endure the depression and emptiness after a close fren left hall, and cos of that I buanged my Jan CAs cos I couldn't concentrate on revision too. But thankfully, new frens came in to fill the void..haha..Will be moving to the greener pastures of F block next sem.

Then as the head of PR in my hall, I had to help a 1001 groups in my Hall promote their external performances/concerts, liaise with NTU halls, maintain sponsors, and the big mama was this visit to KE Hall for JC students. It was the first time it was being carried out and I wanted it to be a blast.

Was trying to be a superman and do most of the stuff myself. Concert plan, tour itinerary, catering, transport, calling the JCs, T-shirts, cards, logistical support. Wise man, wise...almost killed myself juggling academics n tt. It would have been worse if not for some really zai pple in my committee..And in between I somehow managed to find time to help Hall Play rent vehicles, move goods and do emceeing. In the background, hockey trainings carried on 3 times a week, at the expense of my work and sanity of course.

Hahaha..used to walk down to B202 and bitch about the day's frustrations to the little fella. But after she left, I started to bitch to pple on MSN. Eventually I learnt to appease my own anger somewhat.

IHG hockey immediately followed the KE visit. It was mentally draining for me cos I was too anxious to atone for last year's disaster. The trainings weren't tt productive for me as well. Maybe I was burning out, maybe I was too anxious to prove myself, or maybe I'm not cut out for this. Think I should find a new niche sport next semester lah.

We din make it to the semis, but overall I was satisfied with myself and the way I personally dealt with my inner demons. But hey, no more hockey for me this year. It's time to find my own niche. (Reef Wakefest 2005, Here i come!) Then after hockey i thought I could take a breather.

Yeah right. 2 weeks to the 5-hit-combo CAs and I was preparing for NUS Open House. Meeting after meeting. Planning after planning. Logistics. Admin. Running around to procure furniture. Printing calendars. Chasing my comm members to do work. More meetings. My vice head and some comm members not being able to help me due to other commitments. Shit. 2 days b4 the CAs and I was attending some NUSSU meeting. Best. But by a stroke of good luck and thanks to d moral support of frens, I somehow managed to pass em all..

Then finally came the final exams. MicroBio n NeuroSc. Was kinda tuff to study the entire syllabus in 3 weeks, and on top of that a new personal problem had to surface. Best. Never been so affected like that b4. But hey, i still made it eventually..

When hall life is making me nuts, I'm really thankful to have the Med pple to back me up. All the skating sessions, wakeboarding trips, gym sessions, jogging, lunches, dinners, movies, bdae parties and basically just chilling out with u guys really bring me back to life again.

Well, not that hall life is bad. Hall was my refuge last year when Med was giving me hell. Seems like now it's vice versa. I guess it's good to have 2 networks of social support. When one fails u, u can turn to the other. When both fails...

I guess that's when u realise the importance of a strong personal core to fall back on.

Cos ultimately, the only person u can always count on to be there, without fail, is yourself. And I hope to learn to love and accept myself, regardless of wat other fuckers think.

Well actually I'm getting rather lazy to blog and decided to tell my stories thru pictures instead. Pls go to http://mingchangwang.gfoto.com .

But hey, if I have the time and the event is really significant enough, I'll definitely post a blog about it. But not anytime soon lah.

"A friendship built and sealed in a place called KE Hall, held together by God and Medicine"

I ain't a Christian, but whenever I read that line, it kinda makes me want to tear. Haha..Just recently, one of the closest and most vivacious buddies I can ever hope to have just moved out of the Hall.

She wanted me to leave a blog entry for her as a tribute. :P Well, will do it even if she didn't ask. I shall try not to make it sound too much like an eulogy. So Belle, here goes!

It all seemed so innocuous. On Monday night you said you wanted to withdraw your hall deposit and move out cos you were so sick of the neighbours, environment and such. I was kinda stunned, but somehow still encouraged you to leave if that made u feel better.

Didn't really bother much about it till you actually withdrew your deposit on Wednesday. I was like, "Ok, great...now that leaves me the only M2 left in this zombie block."

But as the afternoon went, by this niggling feeling in my head grew stronger. Erm.. like some sense of impending doom. But when you had a change of heart and wanted to appeal to stay 2 months for Inter-Hall games, the niggling feeling went away.

The appeal din go through, and that's when my niggling feeling came back, this time more intense. Sorry, me and half the JCRC couldn't convince the manager to let you stay. It was a damn sad Thursday night lar. Dunno how to describe. It's like my first day at Primary One, when you see your mum pang seh u behind and leave the school gates. That kind of empty feeling..I mean, not that u are like my mother lar! But u know wat i mean.

And u still can send me that sappy Josh Groban song somemore!

I'll miss seeing the 3 stuffed puppies and the disgusting vitamin bottle outside your door.

I'll miss seeing this little lady at the far end of the dining hall during breakfast, milo cup in one hand and pharmaco notes in the other.

I'll miss booking in on Sunday nights and seeing from far, that glow from your open door. The only brightness along the damn graveyard-like B block level 2.

I'll miss our intended "Hi/Bye" encounters becoming 1 hour plus evening conversations.(Really wasted lotsa time though)

I'll miss our going to formal hall dinners armed with Patho notes, studying away while the Hall Master gives his speech, even as the PRCs mock us.

I'll miss your silly Creole nicks on MSN.

I'll miss teaching you the wonders of Lysol.

I'll miss sharing my food, even the expensive stuff.

I'll miss your laughing at my hip-hop dance moves.

I'll miss your laughter piercing the dining hall air as Jared and I have a dinner conversation.

I'll miss talking to someone who actually understands what paternal problems are.

I'll miss being given a fright by your silhouette suddenly appearing in the doorway.

I'll miss bitching to you after a frustrating hockey session/irritating hall meeting.

I'll miss getting shoulder ache leaning on the door frame while listening to you complain about stuff.

I'll miss Hall people mistaking us for siblings everywhere we go.

I'll miss learning about earrings.

I'll miss getting back at others on your behalf.

I'll miss those +88888 smses, especially those emergency ones that plead for help, only for me to rush down and find that you want me to get rid of a dead lizard.

I'll miss walking back with you from the Med Library in the dead of the night, marveling at how you could, in your heels, armfuls of books and non-stop talking, walk up the 80 stairs faster than me.

I'll miss seeing a feisty lady living life with a strong faith.

Yup, I never knew what I missed till it ain't there anymore.

I'm slowly getting over it, but it just feels weird walking past an empty and cold B202.

Thanks for sharing your problems and concerns all this time. Pls don't be insulted if I didn't reciprocate fully. It's just that I'm not one to be open about my own problems, and also because you have enough on your plate already.

Sorry for all those awkward silences when you were feeling despondent and wanted some solutions, while I had none to give. It's just that I was kinda undergoing similar problems myself and just didn't know what to do. And also because I didn't want to be a hypocrite and dispense advice I myself couldn't even follow.

Well, now that you're at home, guess it's better, cuz help and support is never far away. U have Mummy, Becky and Ben around. No longer do you have to run 8 doors down anymore..:P

As for me, now I have to run off to the more happening West Wing whenever I need help and support. At least still got people like CJ, Lydia, Carol, Enhui, An etc around. And recently I've been hamming it up with 2 lovely ladies from F block, so it's not too bad..ahhahaha. Will move there next academic year if I decide to stay on.

Yeah, you're right, we'll be colleagues for life. But we'll never get to hang out as we did in the past anymore. So in a certain sense---farewell my dear friend. Thanks for helping to write and conclude this beautiful chapter of my Hall and Uni life.

Guess it's rather appropriate that a new chapter begins this New Year. And I hope it's just as good, if not better!


PS: If anyone bullies you and Mom or Ben ain't around, just gimme a call. And if I ever chicken out, I'll get you Kejia or Francis.

PS2: So when you gonna bring back your remaining stuff huh? They're trapping extra heat in my room..It's getting too hot and uninhabitable!

5 guys and a boat

okay now for some uplifting stuff..

Took 4 other guys wakeboarding today: Wesley, Yetyen, Winston(Chin) and Jingyu. It started to rain cats and bitches on the way there, but thankfully the weather cleared on time.

The same mean-looking instructor/driver I kena on Saturday was back. Plus another Indian guy. But apparently he was featured in the New Paper today and was miraculously transformed into a cheerful, outgoing and conversant fella..haha.

Got some snapshots of us all..er..except Jingyu. He was a complete beginner, but never gave up, fought hard and managed to stand. But alas, my camera reflexes were too slow and I only managed to snap him falling. Not nice to post lah. So Jingyu, sorry man, next time I'll take a nicer shot!


Winston doing a surface 180 deg turn 

Winston is a natural at this. He last rode in July and even after 3 months of inactivity, he's so at home with the water. Could do bunny-hops(stationary jumps on the water) and other mini jumps..Oooh.



Wesley cutting through the wake 

Wesley also quite steady. After a few attempts he could cut across the wake liao. Did some 180 degree turns too..Hey dude, maybe we should stop skating for a while and do this more often?



An excited Yetyen trying to high-five us..hahaha 

Yetyen somehow managed to do a wake side-slide, meaning which u balance your board on the crest of the wake, something like a lever balancing on a fulcrum. And the best thing was, he didn't even mean to do it! He was only trying to keep his balance and somehow the trick came out. Er..pity I din capture it on camera..paiseh again!



I was pointing my fingers at the camera, but somehow it looked as though I was saluting. 

I was the first rider for our first set but kept falling. So paiseh..hahah. But at least the 2nd set was better. That photo was taken after I managed to cross both wakes at one go without tripping. Yay! So happy! hahaha. But these photos don't seem to be complete without Alvin Wang in them. Alvin! Lai2 leh next time!

We all went for dinner at the Old Airport Road food centre. Food was good, but the oysters in the oyster omelette tasted just like, if not worse, than the Kallang River sewage. But other than that minor flaw, I guess today was just perfect.

Or maybe not so perfect. Need to sleep now..my head's still throbbing from another face fall into the water. Thought of wearing my in-line skating helmet during wakeboarding next time. Or else, like Jingyu said, "hit your head so many times wait kena cerebral palsy!"


PS: Any Med pple interested in joining us pls drop me a note or something yah? On weekdays at Kallang, each rider need only pay 35 bucks for 2 sets of rides, each set 15 min.

Yet another -ve log

Let me try to summarise the past days' worth of activities in one entry.

Saturday: Drove to Kallang for wakeboarding after the CAs. Kena this aloof and mean- looking instructor---again. But who cares, I had 2 great sets(a set is 15 min worth of riding/falling time, costing about 20 bucks.) Went home damn shack, and fell asleep halfway while eating my dinner. Well, guess it's better than falling asleep at the wheel.


Sunday: Went to VJ with Kejia for our sprints/calisthenics. There were some Japanese kids from some elementary school having their Sunday soccer training on the VJ pitch while their parents watched at the sidelines. I had my hockey stick with me and was practising my ball-hitting on the hockey turf beside the soccer field.

I hit a stray ball that went toward a Jap bastard guy and his two kids. The ball missed them thankfully. I raised my hand in apology. But then the arseholdic guy picked up the ball, looked at me with damn pissed face and shouted: "yammatte bakaro-u!" and threw the ball away from me toward a grass hedge.

Okay, I was just verbally insulted and also had to go to the grass hedge to look for my ball like a dog. Did I deserve this just because I endangered your kids with a stray ball that was going to miss them anyway? Anyway I was kinda meek, and din dare talk back at the guy. Kejia was glaring at him while I fetched my ball and carried on hitting, this time in another safer direction.

The fucker Jap then started hollering in broken English, "Get loose/lost! We book pitch, U no come! Danger, got kids here! *&$*%&" Yeah fine, I understand tt I was wrong but couldn't he have told us nicely? Kejia was scolding him back(with an ang moh accent so i guess the bastard couldn't understand anyway), "Ah dunno wartch your saying man! U blardy jap expat, so rude..." Or something like that lah.

In these situations i always back down and walk off. Kejia was admonishing me to stand up more for myself and give the guy stick. We were wrong to play hockey and endanger the kids, but the fucker could have at least been politer to us.

Maybe I should have shouted back at the bastard. Or maybe I was right to walk off. Damn..but one thing's for sure: I'm one meek person. Still remember some time ago when my handphone was stolen. I knew the who the thief was but backed down when he got too aggressive after I confronted him. From that day on he got his friends to taunt me at every opportunity. Geez..I had no guts to stand up against them.

Tsk..I spent an hour quarrelling with my JC tutor after he wrongly punished my classmate; I violently shove an opponent during a friendly game after he barged into my female teammate(yes, you know who you are).

But I can't freaking stand up for myself. Geez, am I ball-less or what!

Ok ok enough.. I'll talk about more happy things.


Monday: Went to celebrate Victor's birthday with Kim, Alvin and later, Hope. I think Hope did a good write up in his blog. Go check it out @ http://elpis.blogspot.com/. Also went to get a present for Datuk Yuen's 21st bdae. Haha...it's quite a weird prez. Don't think he'll ever receive something like it in the next 21 years.


Oh, as a final note, this goes out to those of my friends whom I've offended over the past two weeks. Sorry people, my mind has been overflowing with so much clutter that I don't know what's important and what's not anymore. I'm not really myself lately, so whatever mean words I've said or whatever irresponsible behaviour I shown towards you guys, sorry! I'll be more mindful of myself in future, I promise!

Dead and gone

No I'm not referring to the freaking CAs, which were also screwed up badly. Anyway I think I'm at the stage where I fret less over academic results liao.

Came back after 3 shack hours of standing along the banks of Bedok Reservoir, watching the Wakeboard World Cup. I flipped thru the Straits Times for the first time in 2 weeks, wanting to check out the paper's re-launch that was so hyped.

I saw Julius, my RI and VJ friend on the front page of the home section. Not surprising to see friends' faces in the news, except that his full photo was in black and white on an otherwise coloured page. The headline read:


S'porean slams car into tree while on US camping trip
He is killed. Three others in his car, all asleep, are not injured


Wtf man. It was suggested that he fell asleep at the wheel and lost control of the car. No offence to the bereaved but what kind of meaningless, wasteful or even irresponsible way is it to die like that? From the looks of it, his death was definitely preventable.

I have not kept in contact with him since leaving VJ, but when shit like this happens, it still kinda affects me. Fate is so warped---he was the only casualty in the car. 22 years young and gone just like that. Wth.. the second death of an ex-school-mate in 3 years.

The previous one was my RI friend who battled bone cancer for years and had to repeat Sec school for like 3 years due to his relapses occurring during the major exams. He died after Xmas in Dec 2001.

A considerate dude till the end--even while on his deathbed in SGH he kept telling his parents not to inform us. He knew we'd be busy with our NS duties/Xmas celebrations and did not want to trouble us. But what really bothered me was his mum telling me how, during his last breaths, he was crying and pleading that he didn't want to die. That's so not like him..

He was usually brave and realistic about his mortality, accepting the fact that he could go at any time. I don't know what transpired the attitude change during his final moments. It's not pleasant to think that he passed away still so attached to life.

.....

We only knew about his death thru the ST obituaries. Ironically, during that time I was calling up the guys to organise a class reunion. And in the end the reunion was held at his wake.

Every now and then jolts like these remind me to live as if I'll die tomorrow. But besides that, I'll still continue to dream as if I'll live forever. Guess that's equally important.

PR Skills

Feel better now than I did the entire week. My mind seems to have cleared. CAs somehow dun seem to bother me tt much also.

Just came back from my Hall's Internal Culture Night Concert.

My committee had invited some sponsors over to watch, and a lady from the postcard company, Artcards, came with her husband and kids.

As the PR Comm's blardy Head, I was supposed to entertain them. Initially I told Enhui, the Hall's social sec to do it, cos i wanted to study for the blardy CAs.

But in the end my code of ethics made me change my mind. I stayed with the guests thru out the entire concert. Have never felt good getting others to cover my duties. Thanks anyway Enhui! And yes, Carol---think u make a damn good host lor. So glad u're in my comm!

I seem to haf lost my PR skills. I actually found it tuff to talk to such corporate sponsors and din know wat approach to use. In the end I just went with the flow. But had to reel myself in or I'd end up talking to them like i talk to Yewsen. It helped tt they were unassuming and rather happening too---

Their 2 yr old daughter was decked out in a singlet that said "Boys are crazy---Must throw stones at them". Wth. Cannot imagine her in 13 yr's time.

The 4 yr old son had a hairstyle tt would put any Arts undergrad to shame. And the parents seemed interested in staying in Hall too..hahaha.

Then there was this couple who came to watch their daiughter perform. The daughter's name is Jamie Yeo. Her dad, immaculately dressed, introduced himself as Philip Yeo.

Philip Yeo. A-STAR Philip Yeo? I dunno. He had an aura of science around him...Still trying to find out.

Gosh, hope I din make too bad an impression on them. Think must polish up on my vocab and sentence-forming skills during the hols.

Hmm..will confine myself in Hall till Sunday night to study, and then go home and watch Ruud score against Arsenal. EPL...my only major leisure activity this week. Lan lan suck thumb. Nvm just two more weeks and I can hit the roads and river again. Got many birthdays to celebrate during that time also...So exciting..

Ugh

Why is it that everytime I try to get down to serious mugging, every other aspect of my life starts to go haywire?

Now my mind is plagued with scorpions and those meddlesome thoughts from everything that's gone wrong in the span of one week. And wtf, none of them are academically related. How to study like that?

Told myself not to get too attached to any notion nor ideal, but it ain't working. I'm making the same mistakes over and over again, all the way since JC2. Geez, deja vu all over again.

Well, school's the best place to make mistakes and still get away relatively unscathed. I better learn to control my thoughts and feelings before it's too late. Usually when things go wrong I just grimace and "ride the tide" till the storm's past.

Never really take any pro-active stance to solve my problems b4. But sometimes i just dunno wat to do. Belle told me to pen things down and work it out from there. Man, if only she knew the shittiness of it all..

Will do that. But hafta study first.

Dun think I'll scrape the CAs, but heck lah, can make up for it in 2nd Sem. But still gotta mug.